challenge....challenging.....will I make it.....

I am not often one to run from a challenge….normally….soooooo I am finding myself up against a challenging challenge which I have not really been faced with for some time…..well let me rephrase…..I mean my weight loss has been a challenge, however, this challenge is about my art…and how I work specifically ……I started an online course with a former professor from Longwood……it is about visual journalling…..I am NOT a visual journaling person so it is a challenge….I honestly sat looking at a blank journal page for almost 20 minutes with nothing happening…..NOTHING….well except for the growing anxiety welling up inside me and the stress of putting that first mark down onto the paper…..I was a wreck…..I was worried if I “messed up”….how am I going to fill an entire 100 page journal full of images etc about ONE thing…..and then the hubs said……”it doesn’t have to be perfect and you just have to make one mark to start…and let things evolve though out the journal……the fact that it is multiple pages should allow you to let it grow into a many different things”……soooo I started marking on the page….and things have slowly started to evolve and I have some thoughts in my head as to where I may take it and what I will begin with and let it evolve…. :) so we will see but this has been very interesting and more challenging to look at something like this….after all this time out being an artist on my own….to be back in a class…not getting a grade…but having someone who is really good at a certain things …looking at your work…etc…….. I just don’t know and now I feel like I am babbling along…. @

pain in my....

back!!! we have been busily working on projects around the house of Westwood…and my 50 year old back is reminding me that I am not as young as I once was! LOL…..we have moved and replanted at least 25 canna Lilly plants…..put in a mailbox….dug the edges out around flower beds in prep for edging etc…….planted 3 rose bushes…..also planted 3 plants out by the mailbox…..and I have been working on the mural as well so my body is saying HEEEEEEEEELP!!!!!!! I returned to work yesterday…and will be working from home though the end of the month at least… which I am ok with at this point….I mean I would rather not be in the office at all and work from home, but they are trying to get some normalcy back to the office…..sooooo…I will go in. this virus has been a lot….I mean dont get me wrong…as of today…..my life has been minimal affected compared to many others….but it has been one hell of an odd beginning to 2020…….a year which conjures up “clarity….clear visions” etc etc…..and maybe in some weird way it has/does….I know it has caused me to step back and look at my life…career…..family etc……so…who knows…maybe this year will be more and mean more to more people than they already know……time will tell….until then ….I will be here nursing a sore ass back and watching taxi driver for the first time ever! @

made some progress today...

well some things began to change around the house again today……… we were FINALLY able to put up the new mailbox which had been sitting on our living room table for about a month or so!!! :)……I couldn’t be happier to have it out there and looking so great…..little changes….slowly but surely…….I am supposed to be going back to work on monday and I have to be honest….i’d rather not….I have so many other projects that I want to achieve….of course that also takes money…… soooo a slight catch 22 if you will…….ugh…….so until I win the lottery….I will return to work and make the money that I can…..and keep on making the dream happen!!! replanted some canna lilies and will continue that chore tomorrow and clear out a bed for some new flowers and bushes on the side of the house….. :)….yeah who am I? WTF? LOL……..I want the house to be what I have always dreamed out to be …….. @

in the works.....

since work has a been on hold….or my daily career…has been on hold I should say……I have been keeping myself busy with a variety of projects during the day. some projects I was heavily involved in……while others….. not so much…….I had to do something more than just sit and think about what was not happening in my world….oh and by the way…on top of being at home day in and day out…not working…..I started losing weight as well…… it was a journey that needed to happen for a LONG time….I am very happily working my way along the weight loss path….working towards my goal…which I am only about 11lbs away from at this point….however, I am going to lose more beyond that………probably about 5-10 more pounds and I will be a very happy boy……a much thinner boy…and a boy transformed that is for sure…..I also needed my environment to finally be what I have always wanted it to be…..this ole house needed a new face….. we all needed to be reborn and the best face forward…….. I will post the photos of the befores and afters if I have them……. @

the house got its new face……a much needed facelift for the ole girl. :)

the back lanai is still a work in progress…..

but it does have a roy wonderful little corner

the studio area…..

and the wall beyond……

a sconce made from an old vine in the backyard along with some decorative papers, marcrame cords and copper wires

added the black trim to the bathroom that has been needed for some time…..

making pretty…..

the front entry needed a big of sparkle……so we brought the wonderful front door color in……

spent some time working on me…..

oooooo that upstairs closet was full of clothes and everything else…

but now all the closets are all pretty…..

and look like a wonderful place to store clothes…..

and the goodwill in high point is really happy with the 7 bags of clothes and shoes…….

wait….what about the christmas decor closet?????

yeah it did get a makeover too! :)

the new mailbox is ready to be put up over the weekend……sassy huh!?

and the ongoing project here….the REST of the studio walls….this mural was originally going to be on the back lower portion of the house in the backyard and on the lanai walls…… but since it looked so great back there with the professional paint job…… I decided that the mural had to come inside…….and will be the background for videos in the future!!! :)

yesterday.....and today....

yesterday was an average but no so stellar day….I guess in my head I had set myself up to be heading back to work yesterday and that didn’t happen as they extended our furlough another week….so this monday, I may or may not be going back to work…..i’m not gonna get myself mentally prepared for heading back until I wake up on monday morning and head out the door! I will be getting my things together for work the night before and prepping up my lunch as we aren’t supposed to leave the office once we get there …well until it is time to go home……and….thanks to my weight loss and being about 20lbs lighter…….I am going to be walking to work….yep…..something I never thought I would ever say out loud in my life….with only one exception…unless it is rainy or calls for rain that day…..as of now monday will be a beautiful sunny 67 degrees here in nc…..so I should be fine. part of me is ready to return to work and get that back on track…and part of me is enjoying this almost retirement of sorts……its nice to wake up and let the day lead you where it wants to….or have a plan of attack for your day and execute it with ease on your own schedule…..no conference calls….no meetings….no deadlines……just having a day to do what you need to or want to do………..I think If I were well off and could do it I would go ahead and call it quits right now on the career and enjoy time off…..retirement seems so far away and yet it really isn’t…..I mean technically in 15 yers….but that will fly by in no time and I will be an old man trying to figure out who keeps letting their dog shit in my yard…..well I sort of do that now…but that is beside the point………as I think I have mentioned in a previous post….time goes by quickly……and it is interesting that now when we have all this time on our hands thanks to be at home due to the ‘rona……we are beginning to take stock in what is important…..my guess is there will be many people who have been away who will have more than a hard time getting back into the swing of things….and I am pretty sure I will be one of those people…..now off to work on another project!!! @

just another day...

here we are…….the beginning of may…..who would have thought that at this point, we would have not had a furniture market, I would not have worked for over a month and the world is fighting over whether or not to go out and “restart” the economy. this year has certainly been a different year for sure in many ways. I have to say that I am somewhat grateful for the virus. stop scratching your head or thinking I have gone fucking mad. I promise you that I haven’t. this time at home has allowed me to take care of quite a laundry list of projects that were well overdue and needed to be done. not only did we get the house painted, I have worked on straightening up a few closets, started a mural…… as well as working on me and my weight. I am so happy with where I am right now and cannot wait to get to my goal….life is good. even better I have a doc appt next month and they should be VERY happy with what they are seeing……including my BP! :)…….so we will see. I have so many more preheats to work on……the mural still has work to do but it is coming along. I have to finish the closet redo tomorrow and then it will be back to the mural….. :) @

digging deep

today started out with me digging into a closet which was a thorn in my side for some time. today…it was time to jump in with both feet and hope that I came out alive. I started rather early and had hoped to finish it today….well I sort of finished. as with any project in a house, you start any square one and end up four squares later and on another path. I did finish the major aspect of the closet however, I have now an additional closet project in hand which I hope will be complete in the next day or so…….but much like life…one project opens another project……each step we make in life takes us to a new place and on to a new project……. @

making time...

well after consulting my pinterest prompts, I selected “what do I need to make more time for in my life?”

so here we go! I started making more time for me recently as you would have read in yesterday’s post. what else would I make more time for in my life? my talents....my family….my friends…and my life. i’ll give you a breakdown of what I mean.

my talents - I used to draw constantly when I was younger. granted my job then was being in school and drawing…that was it. off to college, school and drawing/painting. things change…work gets in the way. my talents took a drastic set back back in the early 2000’s. a long story that I won’t go into here….but I walked away from one of the things that made me inherently me. I don’t have regrets in my life, but I do have moments I would like to revise….or at least would think I would like to, but then I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I have moments where my talents jump ahead to the forefront and I enjoy those times and then they go back into hiding. now granted, my current career is a person who designs visuals for a living all day long, so I am being creative but in my personal life I am just now, at 50, deciding that I am worth the time and effort to create and be seen.

my family - we…according to most belief systems…only go around this marble once…… family is here for just a short period of time as well. by family, I also mean extended family as well. I need to take time to enjoy my family and appreciate them so much.

my friends - well that description for family can go for friends as well….I love my friends and I need to spend more time with them……

my life - how can I spend more time with my life? life goes on around us all the time. you hear people talk about life passing you by and it makes sense if you really think about it. if you don’t stop and enjoy life and revel in each minute or the small moments…you will find yourself an old man/woman and your life will be a collection of empty moments and no true memories that you take with you.

so friends, take time to smell the roses and enjoy the rain storm passing over….. love who you want……laugh at dumb jokes, dance as hard as you want and sing as loudly as you can…..just live!!!! @

AN UPDATE- I am not sure this made any relevant point or not. I wrote all of this last night and came back to it today….but I decided not to edit it as it was the group of thoughts that came through my head… something that I won’t do is edit myself here…..enjoy my babbling! LOL

proud...

I went on pinterest the other day to look at journal prompts. as I mentioned in my opening welcome video below, I am not much of a journal writer etc and am trying to do this on the regular and make it an important part of the day etc. so…….. I looked at some of the options and one of them was “what are you proud of?” I sat and thought a moment and the answer came shining through …..I am proud of finally taking control of my weight and health. it has been some time since I could even say that….hell, I have never said that. just a few months back, I weighed over 223lbs. I changed how I ate and made my way down to 204lbs. I stayed there for quite some time and was discouraged that things weren’t moving. I decided it was time to do something more “extreme” by joining or following a plan. I knew I wasn’t up for another round with advocare….and did research about weight watchers etc but nothing really spoke to me….I even looked into that food app on tv that I can’t think of right now. I knew I needed to pursue something that was going to recreate me and how I approached food. I had a friend who had been on a program and they had lost quite a bit of weight and so I contacted them and followed them for about a month or so. I was seeing that not only had they lost the weight they had kept it off….and that was super important to me. I contacted their coach from the program and so my time with optavia began. I started the program over 30 days ago and am over half way to my goal. with that in mind…..I have decided I will probably go beyond my goal and lose an additional 10 pounds just to make sure I am where I would be my healthiest from a weight standpoint. this program has not only changed my body, but it has changed the way I look at food and how I think about it. I haven’t had anything sugary…not even this wonderful white chocolate covered reese’s easter eggs…..and that was the day I found out I was being furloughed for a month….a day I could have REALLY used one or 6 of them….but I passed them up along with the super good looking snickers bar that tried together my attention at publix. I am the person who always said that I didn’t have the will power NOT to eat something….and was going to be the person who if I wanted a piece of cheesecake I was going to have a piece of cheesecake. however, here I am over a month in and I haven’t wanted a piece of cheesecake so that was nice….and unexpected! I did a vlog if you will and will post the videos below. please know some of them do get a bit long….so be forewarned! @

conversations over the fence

I have a wonderful neighbor living next door. she is an elderly woman who has forged quite a path in her lifetime. at one point she was a basketball coach for a college here in nc. she has always been a caring woman who thinks of others often before herself. before this virus hit, she would go to the local shelter and feed the homeless in our community…deliver meals etc etc. she has helped take care go our girls when we would go out of town until recently, when we realized…she isn’t getting any younger and lea is only getting stronger! lol.

this am, as I was having my morning coffee/shake, lea said her hellos to her dog…which meant attacking the fence like she was out for death! she is not a fan of her dog, so it is often our hello to each other. we chat through the fence slats as she is shorter and cant see over the fence and often it is nicer to talk to someone at least seeing them. I have been keeping my distance from her since she is elderly etc. we had a great conversation this morning about how we are all connected. not just in a sense of family but as in the human race around the world. we are so very connected. it was so nice and refreshing to speak with her and realize that she has so many similar thoughts about the world as I do. she is a gem.

the main reason for this post is to remind me, and others, that we often may have a thought in our heads about how someone would be….or would react to situations….and that isn’t fair to them or you! take the time to talk to someone…..and by that I mean TALK to them….not talk at them. have a conversation. listen to their thoughts. they are speaking to you from the heart and want to connect. connection is one of the things that this virus has tested in many ways. once this is all over and done with, I want to see all off my friends if only just to see them face to face and hug them so hard they pee a little!!!! lol……….. @

trust

trust is a word that is thrown around quite a bit.

this morning I was given a lesson in trust by someone near and dear to me….. me! yep! me! I have been on a weightless journey and I was having a good week until yesterday! I have had some minor hiccups along the way but yesterday I gained 1.4lbs to 187.2 and it was not a welcome site to see at all!!!! I was pissed at myself and that inner demon/saboteur came rushing into my head….”see it doesn’t work"…..see you can’t do this you failed AGAIN…….” I had to let that demon know that it does work and that I hadn't failed. yesterday, I followed the plan….as I had been all along…made some adjustments that I had suspected were the culprit,……and then this am… after telling myself…and being told by my coach Melissa NOT to weigh myself…..I did anyway! I had to see if my reset/restart/check had worked…and that I was truly in command of what is happening. there is was shining up from me from the scale…….185.2!!! yes….that’s right…not only did I lose what I had gained but I also lost some extra. it was actually the largest weight loss I have had while on this journey. I actually stepped off the scales and stepped back on to make sure they were correct! LOL…..it was early morning after all and maybe my eyes were playing tricks on me! LOL….but no…they weren’t….they were telling a very honest truth….I had indeed succeeded. I had proven to myself that it DOES work…..and that I HADN’T failed. I am very much in control of my destiny and my journey on this program. I have to stay on the path and see it through to the end. @

prompts...

like I mentioned in the video welcome below, I wasn’t a huge blogger before. I went out and pursed the world wide webs to find some inspiration and I think I have found it! soooooooo with that being said...what do I need to start saying “yes” to more often? that one took a minute for me to think on and I am actually still thinking about it as I am typing these lines. I need to say yes to more adventures, say yes to doing things that benefit me, say yes to my creative energy and lastly say yes to making mistakes. let me explain. saying yes to more adventures isn’t just about challenging myself to do something new, it is challenging myself to be someone new. I started about three years ago. I was in a relationship that wasn’t all that healthy for me. I ended it and began to live my life. low and behold I meet rené and the newest adventure began. it was then time to work on me a bit. contacts, career etc etc etc. and now I am working on my weight, health and lifestyle overall. I am one who often will say “no” or “I don’t think that is possible, but let me see what I can do”. I need the first word out of my mouth in any adventure to be yes….not no. so working on myself and working on saying yes. saying yes to my creativity is me simply returning back to my creative self that sometimes I feel I have given up on or ran from. I need to say yes to creating and being proud of what I do. create without fear. that leads into the saying yes to mistakes. I am a perfectionist and it will drive me mad sometimes when I am working and my vision is not what is transferring to the canvas or paper. saying yes is not a and thing…what could it hurt honestly? saying yes more often is one way to make your mind switch to seeing and recognizing the positive and not get caught up n the negative aspects of things. life, in general, can be harsh, mean and destroying, but at the same time, life can certainly give you gems and those moments are when you have to cherish the power of saying yes! @

from out of nowhere

some days you just wake up and go through the motions of life…shower..shave…breakfast…work…lunch…dinner….tv…social media….sleep…..and then there are days when the universe has something more in store for you that you never knew was coming. today was one of those days….or at least it has been so far. I come downstairs after my morning shower to the smell of coffee and to the two faces of my girls so happy to see their daddy. i give the morning hellos, kisses and butt scratches….btw they are dogs! LOL. I head into the kitchen to grab my coffee and get my morning shake put together and head to the tv room to check email, websites etc…nothing different at all. René pops in to watch some videos on YouTube on the tv and I quietly start looking at my computer. as I am sitting here, something makes me turn my attention away from the computer and to the screen. he is watching a movie titled. “finding joe”. it is a movie about joseph campbell. campbell was an American professor of literature at sarah lawrence college who worked in comparative mythology and comparative religion. I will be posting the video below for your enjoyment btw. as I started to watch, there were moments that spoke to my heart, as a matter of fact, at times, I felt as if my heart was about to burst. I mean that in a very literal sense. my heart was feeling something different than anything I had felt in some time. I thought, am I having a heart attack? what’s going on? i soon realized it was more than what my physical being was feeling but also my emotional being was hearing that needed to have some attention paid to it. I wont go into all the gory details but I found myself in tears at points during the documentary and at other times smiling and in awe of the beautiful message that was being put forth from the people featured in the movie. then it hit me like a ton of bricks…. as one of the people was speaking about the hero’s journey, he said…..and I am not kidding here…you can hear it below…. “we have to slay our dragons to find our bliss”…and I just looked at the screen…and honestly thought…did he just say what I think he said? it was in the context of “following our bliss” which then allows us to not only become our full selves but also allows others to see our gifts……… we see our gifts…the world opens up to us and allows us to shine brighter than ever before. we all have good and bad within us, and the idea is simply that we must slay our dragons (the bad, maybe not so great things about ourselves) to truly find our true and honest selves (by trying to love them). letting go of the inner dialog that may be keeping you from a new adventure, making the next step in your career, or maybe it is even creating art that you would have never created etc…..it’s all about loving the inner dragons, slaying them with that love and realizing that in the end you will come out to be the best you are. you have to accept the call, or you can ignore it and continue on……..however…… when you do accept the call, be ready for the ride! until next time. @

welcome

welcome

hi friends! hope this finds you doing well and in good health. enjoy the video.